Q&A Chuck Norris: Action Star, Tax Reformer By Alex Altman Monday, Sep. 08, 2008 Chuck Norris speaks at a Mike Huckabee campaign stop in Tilton, N.H. in this Dec. 14, 2007. Chuck Norris speaks at a Mike Huckabee campaign stop in Tilton, N.H. in this Dec. 14, 2007. Cheryl Senter / AP
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In his new book, Black Belt Patriotism, the martial arts champion and star of Walker, Texas Ranger delivers a roundhouse kick to American society, on policy issues ranging from debt and immigration to foreign affairs and the role of religion in public life. TIME spoke with the pugilist and pop culture icon about his favorite Chuck Norris facts, why Congress should be smaller and how reviving the values of the Constitution's framers is our last best hope. More Related
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You cover a lot of territory in this book, but it seems like the unifying message is to realign ourselves with the views of the country's Founding Fathers.
While I filmed the Walker, Texas Ranger series for eight and a half years, I had never had much time to read, except for screenplays of the episodes. But once I wrapped the show up, I started doing a lot of reading. And I really got into history. I started reading about the Founding Fathers, and how they started our country and why. And actually, amazingly, the reason they left England was because of the heavy taxation that was being implemented on the citizens of England. They were getting taxed over there just the way we are right now in our own country, and that's why they left.
What else struck you about the framers?
I really believe our Founding Fathers had a vision for us that wasn't conducive to greed, power and materialism. And that's really what we've become, you know: a country of greed. I don't think that's what they envisioned, and that's why I'm such a complainer about Congress. I really believe Congress has been overwhelmed by greed, power and materialism. That's why we have a nine trillion dollar debt. Congress really is controlling everything. They can blame the president — and he has a lot to be blamed for — but the real blame goes to Congress. You've got 535 people in Congress, 100 Senators and 435 Representatives. Now, [my wife] Gena and I went to the House chamber last year. They were debating a bill. Well, not debating — they were screaming at each other across the aisles. And I'm watching them and thinking, this looks like a grammar school class. Who do we hold accountable in the House of Representatives? If you blame one Congressmen for something, he blames Joe Blow over there. Well, how do we know? Let's reduce it down to one or two Congressmen per state. First of all, we'd save millions in salaries and secondly, now we'll know who to blame.
Regarding the debt issue, what advice would you give to young people dealing with issues like paying off college loans, a tight job market, or ballooning gas prices?
One thing that impresses me about the young people in this country is they care about social issues. I even dedicate the book to the "millennials." People have got to become more responsible, and be aware of what's going on in our country. But you know how I think we can really solve this? Get rid of our tax structure. That's what's killing our people: the income, state, capital gains, corporate, property and social security taxes. It's not right, and it's not the way it was intended in the beginning from our founding fathers. Implement a Fair Tax where we tax consumption.
In your book, when you discuss September 11, you talk about it as a renewal of the war on terror, rather than the beginning.
I think you can learn from history. When I started reading, I got interested in the Barbary Wars, when extreme Muslim pirates were capturing our ships and holding them for ransom. Congress decided to negotiate with the Barbary pirates, and Tripoli started a war with us anyway. It was interesting reading about this situation where we dealt with extremists 200 years ago, and thinking about where we are now.
You're of the opinion that the original meaning of "separation between church and state" has been distorted.
Separation of church and state didn't mean we should take religion out of government. Thomas Jefferson said we will never have a single religion monopolizing our government. Unfortunately, people are re-interpreting the Constitution as a living document, and it's not. It's a solid-based document and it shouldn't be played with.
And you'd like to return to teaching the Bible in public schools?
As an option. I'm not trying to cram it down people's throats. Give people an option, a choice, of what they want to do. We teach evolution in school. Why can't we give kids an alternative choice of a Bible curriculum and let them make up their own mind?
In your book, you call Jimmy Carter's decision to approach Hamas a "treasonous gesture" and oppose all negotiations with extremists.
[Terrorists'] ideology is for the extermination of our country. No amount of negotiating is going to change that ideology. So how can you sit down with someone whose only goal in life is to exterminate you?
You also talk about how a preemptive attack can be the most effective military tactic. Would you advocate a strike against a country like Iran?
No, no, no. What kept Russia away from us was our strength. We just have to become a strong country that no one wants to fool with. I'm afraid we don't have the strength we had during the Reagan days. Back then no one wanted to mess with us. We diminished that strength through the Clinton days. We've got to get that strength back, where everyone says, "Don't mess with America, man." It's like [being] a martial artist. You walk down the street and it's like, "Don't mess with him, man. He'll kick your head off."
You mentioned there are certain points on which you're critical of President Bush. Is one of them this reduction of our military's strength?
Yeah, but again, I don't know whether to blame him or to blame Congress. I really think that between the two, Congress has the power. We've got to get these people working together. I'm not talking as a Democrat or Republican here because I think they're both to blame. I think when the Republicans had control of Congress they drove it into the ground; over the last two years, when the Democrats gained control, they drove it deeper into the ground.
During the Republican primaries you were an outspoken backer of Mike Huckabee. How are you feeling about the GOP ticket at the close of its convention?
I had some trepidation until I heard Sarah Palin talk. I was very impressed by that lady, and I was impressed by McCain's [acceptance speech]. What he talked about was taking the control out of government and giving it back to the people. That's what my book is about. I feel like right now we're wards of the state. Congress says we'll give you this, but you're not going to have that. That's not for them to decide.
As someone who speaks in his book about the dissolution of the American family and the problem of teen pregnancy, how do you feel about the controversy surrounding Palin's own family?
That's a personal thing. It happens to millions of young kids today. That's because of our open society, where sex is not a big thing: "If it feels good, do it." These young kids take that to heart and wind up making a big mistake, just like Bristol did. But you cannot condemn her. It's a mistake she's going to have to live with, but that has nothing to do with Sarah Palin and her abilities as a leader.
How did the Chuck Norris facts start?
About three years ago, a kid from Brown University started sending these Chuck Norris facts around via e-mail. I'm reading them and going, hey, these are pretty doggone funny. My favorite was, "They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mt. Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard." [Laughs.] I figured they'd just last a couple weeks; it amazes me this has gone on for so long. All of a sudden the college crowd picked up on it, and it became a phenomenon, going through colleges, high schools, then middle schools. I started getting emailed facts from Africa. The military in Iraq and Afghanistan started developing their own Chuck Norris facts. That's actually how I got to Iraq in the first place — the troops started bugging their commanders. I went to camps way out in the middle of nowhere and shook hands and took pictures with over 17,000 troops. I'd go to an outdoor toilet and there are Chuck Norris facts on the walls. When I arrived in Iraq, I saw a sign that said, "Chuck Norris is here. We can now go home." Man, I wished that was the truth
I'm Voting for Those Not Yet Born by Chuck Norris (10/28/08) My, how the landscape of elections has changed. Remember when the issue of abortion used to matter to conservatives in political races? Today presidential nominees can get away with murder, literally. They can smoke, toke and hang out with terrorists who … Obama's Personality Pendulum by Chuck Norris (10/21/08) Obama will not lose his bid for the presidency because of his connections to Ayers, ACORN or socialist politics. In fact, he won't lose it because of his stand on any issue. The coup de grace for Obama's presidential election downfall will come only … God Gets Boot Again From Washington by Chuck Norris (10/15/08) Flying under the radar and literally under the ground of congressional bailout meetings were closet Capitol Hill discussions about God and Washington. It seems another revision of America's religious history has been under way -- this time at the $621 …
Chuck Norris Facts are satirical facts about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The facts are normally absurd hyperbolic claims about Norris's toughness, attitude, virility, "alpha male status," sophistication and masculinity, for example:
Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The facts typically claim that Chuck Norris is some type of irate, all-powerful superbeing. The Chuck Norris facts have spread around the world, leading not only to translated versions, but also spawning localized versions mentioning country-specific advertisements and other Internet phenomena. Allusions are also sometimes made to his use of roundhouse kicks to perform seemingly any task, his large amount of body hair with specific regard to his beard, and his role in the action television series Walker, Texas Ranger. Contents [hide]
Chuck Norris Facts originally started appearing on the Internet in early 2005. Conan O'Brien's Chuck Norris jokes on Late Night with Conan O'Brien (which generally center on Walker, Texas Ranger) have been seen as an inspiration for the fad. Chuck Norris Facts followed facts based on actors Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and Bob Saget. The exaggerated style of these facts is similar to a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch called Bill Brasky. These are similar to tall tales such as those of Paul Bunyan. Chuck Norris Facts surged into the gaming community shortly after a Chuck Norris Fact generator was introduced as a World of Warcraft add-on in early 2006[1].
Norris's response
Chuck Norris responded to the Chuck Norris Facts on his official website, chucknorris.com, with a statement. He was generally surprised and flattered by the attention. Admitting some of the statements were indeed humorous, he tries not to take any of them seriously, and he hopes that such statements will interest people in real facts about Chuck Norris contained in his literary works. [2] On October 23, 2006, Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
One of the satirical facts made of Norris states that "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." Upon hearing this, Chuck replied: “ It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.
By the way, without Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things—and so can you.[3] ”
Norris appeared in a 2007 commercial for Mountain Dew where he had his revenge on the two fictional webmasters of a popular site that featured Norris in a humorous light, undoubtedly a reference to the Chuck Norris Facts meme.[4]
On November 29, 2007, Gotham Books, the adult division of Penguin USA, released a book entitled The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the World's Greatest Human.[5] Norris subsequently filed suit in December against Penguin USA claiming "trademark infringement, unjust enrichment and privacy rights."[6]
Prominent mentions
* Norris has appeared on The Tony Danza Show and The Best Damn Sports Show Period, and has been questioned regarding the satirical facts. In the latter show, he read up the current Top 10 facts, as well as mentioning his favorite one was "They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard". * Rolling Stone magazine featured a short blurb regarding the facts. * In the March 20, 2006 issue, TIME magazine interviewed Chuck Norris, calling him an "online cult hero." In the answer to their last question, he called the Chuck Norris Facts "weird but wildly popular sayings" and quoted one: "Chuck Norris can divide by zero."[7] * On an episode of The Daily Show in a parody of Alaskan senator Ted Stevens' comments about the Internet being a "Series of tubes," John Hodgman stated that beneath every American home there were indeed a series of tubes and they could be used to send various pieces of information, mainly Chuck Norris Facts. * On "Boys Do Cry," a 2007 episode of Family Guy, Peter Griffin mentions a Chuck Norris Fact that, when challenged by Brian, turns out to be true when Chuck Norris suddenly appears and punches him with a fist concealed under his beard. * Chuck Norris plays a prominent role in the internet meme "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny." * One of GaiaOnline's February 2006 'monthly collectibles' is presumably named after Chuck Norris. The Item itself has an allusive name (Chyaku Norisu) and its description resembles one of the Facts: "There are only two things in the world that can cut diamonds ... other diamonds and CHYAKU NORISU!!" * Several Facebook applications exist which generate Chuck Norris Facts for visitors to read.[8] * Famed Internet writer and author Maddox dedicated an entire chapter of his bestseller The Alphabet of Manliness to Chuck Norris facts. * Governor Mike Huckabee, as a 2008 Republican Presidential Candidate, made a campaign video with Chuck Norris called HuckChuckFacts[9]. In it, he tells Chuck Norris facts, while Norris responds with endorsements of Huckabee. Rival Republican candidate Mitt Romney responded with a Chuck Norris Fact-themed advertisement of his own.[10]
Spin-off jokes
Due to the popularity of Chuck Norris facts, and in order to keep this style of jokes fresh, other celebrities have become the target of similar jokes, such as Linux kernel hacker and creator Linus Torvalds,[11] actor Vin Diesel,[12] Kevin Federline,[13] Ron Paul,[14] Mr. T,[15] Indianapolis Colts safety Bob Sanders,[16] Bruce Schneier,[17] Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow,[18] professional Magic: The Gathering player Jon Finkel,[19] Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels,[20] Cambridge astrophysicist Dave Green,[21] actor Bruce Campbell,[22] Bill Nye[23], Olympics swimming champion Michael Phelps[24], vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin[25] and various other persons.
These jokes have also been extended to fictional characters, such as the television series 24 character Jack Bauer,[26] the Star Wars character Kyle Katarn,[27] Batman,[28] Captain Falcon[29] from the F-Zero games, Albus Dumbledore,[30] and High Overlord Saurfang from World of Warcraft[31] and Yoda.
Bob Saget facts are in fact the opposite of the Chuck Norris facts, pointing out Saget's sensitivity. For example, "every night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris; but then Bob Saget comes in, gives the boogeyman warm milk and quietly reads him a bedtime story."
On the DVD re-issue of Road House, Kevin Smith's commentary track gives several Chuck Norris facts retitled to reference Patrick Swayze's character Dalton.
If you Google "Find Chuck Norris" and click "I'm Feeling Lucky", you will be taken to nochucknorris.com, which is a website that looks like a Google search results page telling you "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you." It also gives you the suggestions of "Run before he finds you" and "Try a different person".[32]
References
1. ^ Curse Gaming - the original add-on can be found at http://wow.curse.com/downloads/details/2242/ 2. ^ Chuck Norris. "In response to the "Random facts" that are being generated on the Internet". Retrieved on 2004-12-04. 3. ^ "On Chuck Norris 'mania' sweeping the Net", WorldNetDaily (2006-10-23). 4. ^ Miller, Liz. "Chuck Norris Gets His Vengeance". The Daily Reel. Retrieved on 2007-04-09. 5. ^ Ian Spector [2007-11-29]. The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. Gotham. ISBN 978-1592403448. 6. ^ Kearney, Christine (2007-12-21). "Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure". Reuters. Retrieved on 2007-12-23. 7. ^ Keegan, Rebecca Winters (2006-03-20). "People", Time. Retrieved on 2006-06-20. 8. ^ Facebook Search for 'Chuck Norris' Accessed February 03, 2008 9. ^ "HuckChuckFacts". Retrieved on 2007-11-19. 10. ^ "Roundhouse Kick". Retrieved on 2008-01-03. 11. ^ "Linus Torvalds Facts". 12. ^ "Vin Diesel Facts Page". 13. ^ MuddButt.com 14. ^ Ron Paul Facts - The Beginning 15. ^ 4Q.cc >> Top 100 Facts for Mr. T 16. ^ Bob Sanders facts - Unofficial Indianapolis Colts Fan Forums 17. ^ "Schneier Facts". Retrieved on 2007-07-11. 18. ^ Tim Tebow Facts 19. ^ "Jon Finkel Facts". 20. ^ Cole Hamels Facts dot com 21. ^ "Dave Green Facts". Retrieved on 2008-02-04. 22. ^ ~*~ Bruce Campbell Facts ~*~ 23. ^ Bill Nye is the chuck norris of the Science World 24. ^ http://michaelphelpsfacts.com/Welcome.html 25. ^ Sarah Palin Facts 26. ^ "Facts on Jack Bauer". 27. ^ "Kyle Katarn Is So Tough". 28. ^ Random Batman Fact 29. ^ Captain Falcon Facts 30. ^ Mugglecast#Segments 31. ^ Saurfang facts - WoWWiki - Your guide to the World of Warcraft 32. ^ Google search results "Find Chuck Norris"
External links
* Chuck Norris Facts * More Chuck Norris Facts * Random fact generator * Chuck Norris' official response * A Washington Post article on Chuck Norris Facts * Chuck Norris Jokes Blog
Carlos Raymond Norris, Esq (b. 1940), better known by his nickname "Chuck," was a world-renowned everyman the likes of which no one had seen since Paul Bunyan. Though he somehow managed to do every conceivable action both possible and impossible in his lifetime, his reputation has been slightly tarnished in recent years by allegations of steroid use. In fact, though his legacy is great, some even question whether or not he actually did anything notable. However, these allegations have been largely quieted in recent years, due mostly to irrational fears that his power will smite them. For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chuck Norris. Contents [hide]
* 1 Early Life * 2 Rise to Fame * 3 Fame * 4 A Washed-Up Superstar * 5 Life as a Meme * 6 The Legend
Early Life Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors. Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.
Chuck was born of 18-year-old Wilma Scarberry (knocked up by Ray Norris) in a relatively uneventful birth. Various rumors credit God or Jack Bauer as the actual birther of Chuck Norris, but these obviously erroneous claims have been proven incorrect by Conservapedia and basic science, respectively. In fact, Chuck Norris' birth was so mundane that his father, in an attempt to "spice it up," inebriated the obstetrician delivering him. When later asked about the questionable responsibility of this act, he belched.
This was the sort of life that Carlos endured for his first ten years. Living a completely ordinary life, the neglect of his often-working father led him to take up martial arts. At once unnotable at that, he relocated to some random town in Kansas to "kick the shit out of some skeet." A bizarre goal indeed, his parents sent him for psychiatric help immediately. This monetary drain created strain for the family of five (brothers Weiland and Aaron had since been born), eventually leading to the unhappy divorce of Chuck's parents.
This change seriously damaged Chuck's psyche. His academic ability severely declined, and never recovered at all. Ever. So, in what can only be described as an unwise decision, his family once again relocated, this time to California. Later in life, he described his ecstasy at this as the "culmination of [his] desire to kick the shit out of something that wasn't skeet." He also discontinued his weekly psychiatric visits, and threw himself into his martial arts. He continued his education concurrently, and eventually managed to graduate high school (bottom of his class).
He cheated on the United States Air Force (USAF) psychological profile and became an Air Policeman in 1958. Predictably, his desire to join the USAF was related to kicking the shit out of things. Here, he began excelling in martial arts, and eventually earned a black belt in Tang Soo Do (which, contrary to popular belief, does not involve the similarly named orange beverage), and garnered the nickname Chuck for the first time. Obviously, this name stuck, and it is argued that it is what made him famous. Rise to Fame Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique. Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.
Returning to California, Norris decided to try his hand at becoming famous. It didn't work, and after five rejections from fringe talent agencies, he gave up. He also lost his one memento from his childhood, a plastic tangerine named Apricot. One of the letters is reprinted here:
Chuck Norris Dear Mr. Norris, We regret to inform you that your lackluster screen test with us has predictably yielded no result. While your ability to knock things over with considerable ease was noted, the only other thing notable about you is your Hispanic name when you are so obviously not Hispanic. Thank you for trying out for us, and enclosed you will find a bill for the damages incurred by your martial arts display.
Cordially, J & M Talent Management
Chuck Norris
Sinking once again into a depressed rage, Norris also needed money to pay back J & M for their possessions that he had broken. He entered into karate tournaments in an attempt to garner income, and to find the person who had stolen his childhood memento. This, too, proved to be a fruitless endeavor, as he promptly lost the first two tournaments. His little known second job as a karaoke singer proved to be far more lucrative for a couple of years, while his one-time gig as a geisha turned out to be too much for him to handle.
However, very soon he turned this misfortune on its head, winning several karate tournaments consecutively, and finally avenging Apricot by killing the thief. After this, he briefly held the nickname "Apricot Avenger." He also avenged those who had beaten him in previous tournaments, an achievement that made him very cocky. This attitude led him to create his own form of martial arts called Chun Kuk Do. This form, which is deceptively similar to every other form of martial artistry ever created, became something of a fad in 1970s Hollywood. It was teaching Steve McQueen's son this most precious of art forms, in fact, that attracted him to acting once again. Oh God! Please, get that thing away! Oh God! Please, get that thing away! Fame
He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Films, a studio specializing in the production of B action movies. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pummeled). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies, including the movie version of the Great American Novel.
However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were essentially the same. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking random barfights for money, Norris seemed to have hit rock bottom. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would change his life.
That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered show followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake Southern motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2, Missing in Action 3, and Missing in Action: The Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons. A Washed-Up Superstar
But every good thing must come to an end. It logically follows that anything of subpar quality also must come to an end, a fact which led to Walker, Texas Ranger's cancellation. Though it can still be seen many many times every day in syndication on channels with little to no original or good programming, it has largely disappeared from the vogue.
This fact greatly dismayed Norris, though he did not sink into drink, self-pity, and hot money after this failure. Instead, he began wallowing in excess, developing yet more stupid mantras to live by, and spending the bottomless money that he had garnered along his career. These self-serving actions meant that he fell out of the vogue for a time, but this time was a short-lived oasis before an apocalyptic happening that would change the world forever. In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it. In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it. Life as a Meme
On an indeterminate date at an indeterminate time sometime in the 21st Century (most speculate it to be around 2005), Chuck Norris sunk to the most horrible depth to which a person can sink: he became an internet meme. The controversy started when, in 2004, Conan O'Brien introduced a bizarre and random segment known as the "Chuck Norris Lever," in which he would pull a lever and Chuck Norris came out to beat up a random audience member. Chuck soon got tired of this, however, and when he was called up he instead knocked out Conan himself.
Conan — whose reputation as a barbarian warrior was previously unsurpassed — and his fanbase alike were incredulous at this development. However, nothing more came out of it until Chuck's fanboys, long looking for a way to erroneously catapult their god to stardom once more, posted "Chuck Norris Facts". This name was, as one might expect, a misnomer, as the "facts" listed on this website were little more than pipe dreams. An example of a "fact" in this vein – "guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People" – demonstrate both a lack of education (note the poor grammar abound in this sentence) and a lack of reality. (Everybody knows that people kill people, it's just common sense!)
Unfortunately, most people's minds were not as clear as this, and they loved these "facts". As the title of this section perhaps gives away, it became an internet meme, meaning that it became nearly impossible to go through a day of life without hearing a Chuck Norris fact. The sensation spread like wildfire, with everyone wanting to get a piece of the action. This led to more and more unfunny people tossing their "jokes" into the proverbial hat. This resulted in such knee-slappers as "Chuck Norris is my Homeboy", " Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls", and "Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down". The Legend
When one thinks of Chuck Norris, one immediately thinks "action movie star" (recalling his numerous feature films), "tedious internet meme" (recalling the previously covered tedious Internet meme) and television star, (recalling, unfortunately, "Walker, Texas Ranger"). However, unfortunately, and to the chagrin of countless people who truly need a sense of humor and/or a life, this is all he is. A celebrity like any other. He is unremarkable in most ways that one can imagine, and this is fine. It is indubitable that he would wish it any other way.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
1. The Cutter (2005) .... John Shepherd 2. Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire (2005) (TV) .... Capt. Ranger Cordell Walker 3. Bells of Innocence (2003) .... Matthew 4. The President's Man: A Line in the Sand (2002) (TV) .... Joshua McCord 5. "Walker, Texas Ranger" .... Cordell 'Cord' Walker / ... (196 episodes, 1993-2001) ... aka Walker (Australia) - The Final Showdown: Part 1 (2001) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker - The Final Showdown: Part 2 (2001) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker - Blood Diamonds (2001) TV episode .... Cordell "Cord" Walker - Reel Rangers (2001) TV episode .... Cordell "Cord" Walker - Unsafe Speed (2001) TV episode .... Cordell 'Cord' Walker (191 more) 6. The President's Man (2000) (TV) .... Joshua McCord 7. "Martial Law" .... Ranger Cordell Walker (1 episode, 2000) - Honor Among Strangers (2000) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
8. "Sons of Thunder" .... Ranger Cordell Walker (4 episodes, 1999) - Thunder by Your Side (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker - Lost & Found (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker - Fighting Back (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker - Moment of Truth (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker 9. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) .... Jake Fallon 10. Forest Warrior (1996) .... McKenna 11. Top Dog (1995) .... Jake Wilder 12. Hellbound (1994) .... Frank Shatter 13. Walker Texas Ranger 3: Deadly Reunion (1994) .... Ranger Cordell Walker 14. Wind in the Wire (1993) (TV) 15. Sidekicks (1992) .... Chuck Norris 16. The Hitman (1991) .... Cliff Garret/Danny Grogan 17. Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990) .... Col. Scott McCoy ... aka Delta Force 2 (USA: short title) ... aka Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold
18. Hero and the Terror (1988) .... Danny O'Brien 19. Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988) .... Col. James Braddock 20. Firewalker (1986) .... Max Donigan 21. The Delta Force (1986) .... Maj. Scott McCoy ... aka Mahatz Ha-Delta (Israel: Hebrew title) 22. Invasion U.S.A. (1985) .... Matt Hunter ... aka Invasion USA (UK) 23. Code of Silence (1985) .... Eddie Cusack 24. Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985) .... Colonel James Braddock ... aka Battle Rage (Australia) 25. Missing in Action (1984) .... Col. James Braddock 26. Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) .... J.J. McQuade ... aka A Man Without Fear (Philippines: English title) 27. Forced Vengeance (1982) .... Josh Randall 28. Silent Rage (1982) .... Sheriff Dan Stevens 29. An Eye for an Eye (1981) .... Sean Kane 30. The Octagon (1980) .... Scott James ... aka The Man Without Mercy (Philippines: English title)
31. A Force of One (1979) .... Matt Logan 32. Good Guys Wear Black (1978) .... John T. Booker 33. Breaker! Breaker! (1977) .... John David 'J.D.' Dawes ... aka Breaker, Breaker ... aka Cindy Jo & the Texas Turnaround 34. Slaughter in San Francisco (1974) .... Chuck Slaughter/Chuck Norris ... aka Chuck Norris vs. the Karate Cop ... aka Huang mian lao hu ... aka Karate Cop ... aka Yellow Faced Tiger 35. The Student Teachers (1973) .... Karate Instructor ... aka College Coeds (USA) 36. Meng long guo jiang (1972) .... Colt ... aka Fury of the Dragon (Europe: English title) ... aka Maang lung goh kong (Hong Kong: Cantonese title) ... aka Return of the Dragon (USA) ... aka Revenge of the Dragon (USA: cable TV title) ... aka The Way of the Dragon (Hong Kong: English title)
37. The Wrecking Crew (1969) (uncredited) .... Man in the House of 7 Joys
Writer:
* 2000s * 1990s * 1980s
1. "Walker, Texas Ranger" (5 episodes, 1997-2001) ... aka Walker (Australia) - Justice for All (2001) TV episode (writer) - Golden Boy (2001) TV episode (writer) - Lucas: Part 2 (1997) TV episode (writer) - Lucas: Part 1 (1997) TV episode (writer) - Sons of Thunder (1997) TV episode (writer)
2. "Sons of Thunder" (1999) TV series (unknown episodes) 3. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) (story)
4. Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988) (writer) 5. Invasion U.S.A. (1985) (screenplay) ... aka Invasion USA (UK)
Producer:
* 2000s * 1990s
1. Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire (2005) (TV) (executive producer) 2. Birdie and Bogey (2004) (executive producer) 3. The President's Man: A Line in the Sand (2002) (TV) (executive producer) 4. The President's Man (2000) (TV) (executive producer)
5. "Sons of Thunder" (1999) TV series (executive producer) (unknown episodes, 1999) 6. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) (executive producer) 7. "Walker, Texas Ranger" (1993) TV series (executive producer) (unknown episodes, 1995-2001) ... aka Walker (Australia) 8. Sidekicks (1992) (executive producer)
Miscellaneous Crew:
* 1980s * 1970s
1. The Octagon (1980) (fight choreographer) ... aka The Man Without Mercy (Philippines: English title)
2. A Force of One (1979) (fight choreographer) 3. Good Guys Wear Black (1978) (martial arts choreographer) 4. Breaker! Breaker! (1977) (fight choreographer) ... aka Breaker, Breaker ... aka Cindy Jo & the Texas Turnaround
Self:
* 2000s * 1990s * 1980s * 1970s
1. "Larry King Live" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008) - Chuck Norris Gets Political (2008) TV episode .... Himself 2. "Glenn Beck" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008) - Episode dated 6 February 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself 3. "The Live Desk" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008) - Episode dated 6 February 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself 4. "The O'Reilly Factor" .... Himself (1 episode, 2007) - Episode dated 14 December 2007 (2007) TV episode .... Himself 5. "The Tony Danza Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 2006) - Episode #2.79 (2006) TV episode .... Himself 6. "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" .... Himself (1 episode, 2006) - Episode dated 9 January 2006 (2006) TV episode .... Himself 7. "The Contender" .... Himself (2 episodes, 2005) - Tears of Pain and Sorrow (2005) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself - Random Acts of Courage (2005) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself 8. "On the Record w/ Greta Van Susteren" .... Himself (1 episode, 2004) - Episode dated 23 September 2004 (2004) TV episode .... Himself 9. "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" .... Himself (1 episode, 2004) ... aka Late Night with Conan O'Brien (Australia) - Episode dated 9 September 2004 (2004) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself 10. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) .... Himself ... aka Dodgeball (USA: short title) ... aka Voll auf die Nüsse (Germany) 11. UFC 46: Supernatural (2004) (TV) .... Himself 12. "Yes, Dear" .... Himself (1 episode, 2003) - Jimmy and Chuck (2003) TV episode .... Himself 13. 2001 ABC World Stunt Awards (2001) (TV) .... Himself 14. "CBS Cares" .... Himself (1 episode, 2001) - Episode dated 1 January 2001 (2001) TV episode .... Himself
15. "Howard Stern" .... Himself (5 episodes, 1994-1999) - Episode dated 16 November 1999 (1999) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 11 May 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 14 March 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 13 March 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 5 December 1994 (1994) TV episode .... Himself 16. "The Howard Stern Radio Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1999) - Episode dated 13 November 1999 (1999) TV episode .... Himself 17. "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" .... Himself (2 episodes, 1996-1998) - Episode dated 28 October 1998 (1998) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 2 September 1996 (1996) TV episode .... Himself 18. The Path of the Dragon (1998) (V) .... Himself 19. Mystic Origins of the Martial Arts (1998) (V) .... Himself ... aka The Martial Arts (USA) 20. Chuck Norris: Private Lesson (1997) (V) .... Instructor 21. Walker: Behind the Scenes with TV's Toughest Cop (1996) (TV) .... Himself 22. Survivor Series (1994) (TV) .... Himself ... aka WWF Survivor Series (USA: promotional title) 23. WWE: Undertaker - He Buries Them Alive (1994) (V) .... Himself 24. "The Howard Stern Interview" .... Himself (1 episode, 1993) ... aka The Howard Stern 'Interview' (USA: promotional title) - Episode #1.8 (1993) TV episode .... Himself 25. Curse of the Dragon (1993) .... Himself ... aka Bruce Lee: Curse of the Dragon 26. "De tú a tú" (1 episode, 1992) - Episode dated 26 March 1992 (1992) TV episode 27. Dying for a Smoke (1992) (V) .... Himself 28. "The Howard Stern Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1991) ... aka The Howard Stern Summer Show (USA: promotional title) - Episode dated 2 November 1991 (1991) TV episode .... Himself 29. WrestleMania VII (1991) (V) (uncredited) .... Himself 30. Steve McQueen: Man on the Edge (1990) (V) .... Himself 31. Clint, 'The Rookie' & Me (1990) (TV) .... Himself 32. Happy Birthday, Bugs!: 50 Looney Years (1990) (TV) .... Himself
33. One for the Road (1989) (TV) .... Himself 34. The Ultimate Stuntman: A Tribute to Dar Robinson (1987) (TV) .... Himself/Host 35. Omnibus: The Last Moguls (1986) .... Himself 36. "Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos" (1986) TV series .... Himself (unknown episodes) 37. The Making of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' (1983) (TV) .... Himself
38. The Warrior Within (1976) .... Himself ... aka Chuck Norris Work Out (Europe: English title) 39. "The Flip Wilson Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1973) - Episode #4.13 (1973) TV episode .... Himself 40. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" .... Himself (1 episode, 1973) ... aka The Best of Carson (USA: rerun title) - Episode dated 5 July 1973 (1973) TV episode .... Himself 41. Life and Legend of Bruce Lee (1973) (uncredited) .... Himself ... aka Bruce Lee: The Man and the Legend (USA) 42. "Room 222" .... Himself (1 episode, 1970) - Dreams of Glory (1970) TV episode .... Himself
Archive Footage:
1. "The O'Reilly Factor" - Episode dated 15 September 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 7 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself - Episode dated 5 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself - Huckabee supporter - Episode dated 4 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself 2. The Unbeatable Bruce Lee (2001) (V) .... Himself 3. Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey (2000) (V) 4. Bruce Lee and Kung Fu Mania (1992) 5. Cathode Fuck (1986) (V) .... Himself, Guest on 'The Phil Donahue Show' 6. Game of Death (1978) .... Colt 7. Bruce Lee, the Legend (1977) (uncredited) .... Himself 8. Kung Fu Killers (1974) (TV)
* По данным опроса советских школьников, проведённого в 1990г., Чак Норрис занимал третье место после абстрактного "космонавта" и Брюса Ли в качестве того, кем хотели бы стать дети, когда вырастут. * Чак Норис использует для убийств огнестрельное оружие в тех случаях, если ему надоедает убивать ударом ноги с разворота. Удар ногой, в свою очередь, был придуман Чаком Норисом после того, как ему надоело убивать людей силой мысли. * Писать имя чака нориса с маленькой буквы - очень смело, то что я еще жив и могу дописать эти строки можно обьяснить нежеланием чака нориса пользоваться интернетом - он использует более жестокие способы получения информации. * Чак настолько крут, что когда снимает кимоно, оно еще 15 раз выполняет удар ногой с разворота.По инерции * Чак Норрис настолько крут, что у него не отсасывают, а откачивают * Чак Норрис не смотрит на часы, это часы смотрят на Чака Норриса * Когда Чак Норрис заходит в воду, он не намокает - это вода очакноррисовывается. * Чак Норрис ходит в баню с целым дубом вместо веника * На центральный сервер матрицы регулярно приходят сообщения:
'Wake up, matrix, Chak Noris has you'
* У некоторых людей одно яйцо больше другого, а у Чака Норриса оба яйца больше друг друга. * Не людей пытаются отключить от Матрицы, а Матрицу от Чака Норриса. * У Чака Норриса столько порно, что он не качает его из интернета, а закачивает в интернет. * Из-за своей суровости именно Чак Норрис считается основателем Челябинска, города самых суровых мужиков мира * Чак Норрис оставил Фаберже без яиц. * В детстве Чак Норрис играл чугунными погремушками. * Также в детстве Чак умертвил 20 000 кукушек вопросом "Кукушка-кукушка, сколько мне лет жить осталось?"
* Сосчитайте от одного до десяти. Ровно столько времени требуется Чаку Норрису, чтобы убить вас. Сорок семь раз. * Вопрос: Сколько нужно Чаков Норрисов, чтобы заменить лампочку?
Ответ: Нисколько, Чак Норрис предпочитает убивать в темноте.
* В первой части Парка Юрского Периода, тиранозавр преследовал не джип. Это Чак Норрис преследовал и тиранозавра, и джип. * Если бы Чак Норрис был календарем, каждый месяц назывался бы Чактобрем. * Чак Норрис настолько суров, что способен сжать 1 бит. * За каждым успешным мужчиной стоит женщина. За каждым мертвым мужчиной стоит Чак Норрис. * Идут нескончаемые дебаты о том, существует ли у человека душа. На самом деле, она существует, и Чак Норрис считает её очень вкусной. * Обувь в основном предназначена для ходьбы. Обувь Чака Норриса не настолько милосердна. * На самом деле США не бойкотировали Олимпийские игры в Москве в 1980 году. Просто Чак Норрис одним ударом ногой с разворота убил всю олимпийскую сборную США во время тренировки по таэквондо. * Чак Норрис использует живую гремучую змею в качестве презерватива. * Изначально Библия называлась "Чак Норрис и Его Друзья". * Google не осуществляет поиск по запросу "Чак Норрис", потому что Google знает: не вы находите Чака Норриса, Чак Норрис находит вас. * Считается, что динозавры вымерли из-за гигантского метеора. Это так и есть, если вы называете Чака Норриса "гигантским метеором". Просто однажды Чак чихнул, а когда пыль улеглась, оказалось, что динозавры вымерли. * Чак Норрис не отжимается, Чак Норрис отодвигает Землю с траектории полета гигантского астероида. * Однажды Чак Норрис решил немного подмести двор. Через семь секунд образовалась пустыня Сахара (к наст. времени почти не сохранилась, остатки вы можете найти на севере Африки). * За завтраком Чак Норрис скачивает по диалапу и прочитывает Интернет. Весь. Трижды. * В незапамятные времена (по мнению Чака Норриса - вот буквально только что) между Марсом и Юпитером существовала планета, но Чак Норрис забанил её за спам на неделю (неделю Чака Норриса). Уже прошло 0,8 секунды от времени наказания. * Чак Норрис спит, когда моргает. Но Чак Норрис никогда не моргает. * У сигарет зависимость от Чака Норриса. * Инопланетяне редко приземляются, потому что, как и всякие посланники Ктулху, боятся Чака Норриса. Просто им нужно время-от-времени продлевать разрешение на эксперименты над людьми. * Только марсиане - а ещё считают себя более развитыми, чем люди, - не верят в существование Норриса. Но пока этот факт заносился в Абсурдопедию, он перестал быть правдой. Ой не завидуем мы марсианам... * 300 спартанцев не было, была нога Чака Нориса, убивающая 300 человек в секунду. * Лицо Блэзкоу из игр серии Wolfenstein - это лицо... ну кого же ещё? На протяжении всей игры он мстит немцам за сбритую бороду - это была, как сказал бы Арни, "Большая ошибка" (кстати, Арни - сын Норриса, но это вы узнали не от меня, ясно? Впрочем, Норрис всё-равно уже знает об этом моём проступке. А впрочем, у меня есть лицензия, за которую надо платить ему ой-ой-ой сколько...)
* Если Чак Норрис спит с мужчиной, это не означает, что он голубой.. просто временно закончились женщины... * Чак Норис не здоров как бык, это бык здоров как Чак Норрис. * Чак Норрис не эмо. Потому что плачет в результате не он. * Первым кинематографическим произведением, в котором попробовал свои силы Чак Норрис, является автобиографический фильм-притча, снятый по одноименной книге братьев Аркадия и Бориса Гайдаров, - "Chuck & Heck" (рус. "Чак и хрень всякая", в пиратском прокате криворукими пиратами был переведен дословно - "Чук и Гек") * Чак Норрис - единственный человек, сумевший переиграть в "гляделки" Рэя Чарльза и Стиви Вандера одновремено. * Чак Норрис получил права, когда ему было 16. Секунд. * Сначала фильм "Чужой против Хищника" должен был называться "Чужой и Хищник против Чака Норриса", но от этой идеи пришлось отказаться еще во время съемок: никто не стал бы покупать билет на четырнадцатисекундный фильм. * Пирамида потребностей Маслоу неприменима к Чаку Норрису, потому что у него - всего две потребности: убивать людей, и находить людей, которых можно убить. * Переходя улицу, Чак Норрис не смотрит сначала налево, а потом направо. Он просто бьёт ногой с разворота машины, оказавшиеся слишком близко.
Чак неоднократно бывал в двухмерном пространстве Чак неоднократно бывал в двухмерном пространстве
* Если Чак Норрис делит, остатка никогда не бывает. * Когда Чак Норрис был маленьким, он никогда не писался в постель. Постель сама писалась от страха. * На жаргоне медиков смерть называется "болезнью Чака Норриса". * Как сказал Юлий Цезарь: "Вени, Види, Вичи, Чак Норрис," - что в переводе означает: "Пришел, увидел, получил в лицо ногой с разворота от Чака Норриса." * Первое правило Чака Норриса: никогда не говори о Чаке Норрисе. * Когда Чак Норрис играет в "Монополию", это сказывается на мировой экономике. * Чак Норрис всегда спит с подушкой под пистолетом. * Киноэпизод, в котором Чак Норрис проиграл бой Брюсу Ли - самый дорогой спецэффект в истории киноиндустрии. С учетом инфляции, его стоимость сравнима с ВНП Парагвая. * Чак Норрис - не ирландец. Его волосы рыжие от присохшей крови его жертв. * Чак Норрис знает последнюю цифру в числе "пи".
* Чак Норрис плевком может сбить НЛО * Чак Норрис раскладывает "Пасьянс" со скоростью света * Если прочитать имя Чак Норрис наоборот, то получится - Чак Норрис! * Факты о Чаке Норрисе фактически не являются фактами * В день смерти Чака Норриса проснётся Ктулху * Чак Норрис умеет ходить по воде, делить на ноль и угадывать шаффл в АйПоде. * Если Чак Норрис ходит с ночником, это не значит, что он боится темноты... Это значит, что темнота боится его. * На самом деле Чак Норрис был четвертым волхвом и подарил Иисусу бороду, которую тот носил до самой смерти. Трое остальных волхвов обиделись на это и вычеркнули всю информацию о Чак Норрисе из Библии. Вскоре все трое погибли от загадочных ранений, связаных с ударом с ноги с разворота. * У Чак Норриса нет дома дверей, а есть только стены, сквозь которые он проходит.
Литрбол...
РУУУДИК ТЫ ДАЖЕ ...
tji menja besje66!!!
Эв Ми сьекс!
Питоню Конфету и ...
Давай наливай де ...
Вадя , Я , Димка ...
30=5
ПОСЫБО ЦЕНТРУ ЗА ...
Я ВОЛНААА
в чёдком костюмчеГе
Ты меня Бесиш!
Жрите Борщ
Bad Santa
В хламину пуйкас ...
Лето 2008
Johnny English
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Выискивает Жертв ...
:*
Семки есть?
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Мы Спaсены !
В КепКе
Да я Люблю макар ...
КрУчУ МуЧу НаЕбА ...
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:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Q&A
Chuck Norris: Action Star, Tax Reformer
By Alex Altman Monday, Sep. 08, 2008
Chuck Norris speaks at a Mike Huckabee campaign stop in Tilton, N.H. in this Dec. 14, 2007.
Chuck Norris speaks at a Mike Huckabee campaign stop in Tilton, N.H. in this Dec. 14, 2007.
Cheryl Senter / AP
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In his new book, Black Belt Patriotism, the martial arts champion and star of Walker, Texas Ranger delivers a roundhouse kick to American society, on policy issues ranging from debt and immigration to foreign affairs and the role of religion in public life. TIME spoke with the pugilist and pop culture icon about his favorite Chuck Norris facts, why Congress should be smaller and how reviving the values of the Constitution's framers is our last best hope.
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You cover a lot of territory in this book, but it seems like the unifying message is to realign ourselves with the views of the country's Founding Fathers.
While I filmed the Walker, Texas Ranger series for eight and a half years, I had never had much time to read, except for screenplays of the episodes. But once I wrapped the show up, I started doing a lot of reading. And I really got into history. I started reading about the Founding Fathers, and how they started our country and why. And actually, amazingly, the reason they left England was because of the heavy taxation that was being implemented on the citizens of England. They were getting taxed over there just the way we are right now in our own country, and that's why they left.
What else struck you about the framers?
I really believe our Founding Fathers had a vision for us that wasn't conducive to greed, power and materialism. And that's really what we've become, you know: a country of greed. I don't think that's what they envisioned, and that's why I'm such a complainer about Congress. I really believe Congress has been overwhelmed by greed, power and materialism. That's why we have a nine trillion dollar debt. Congress really is controlling everything. They can blame the president — and he has a lot to be blamed for — but the real blame goes to Congress. You've got 535 people in Congress, 100 Senators and 435 Representatives. Now, [my wife] Gena and I went to the House chamber last year. They were debating a bill. Well, not debating — they were screaming at each other across the aisles. And I'm watching them and thinking, this looks like a grammar school class. Who do we hold accountable in the House of Representatives? If you blame one Congressmen for something, he blames Joe Blow over there. Well, how do we know? Let's reduce it down to one or two Congressmen per state. First of all, we'd save millions in salaries and secondly, now we'll know who to blame.
Regarding the debt issue, what advice would you give to young people dealing with issues like paying off college loans, a tight job market, or ballooning gas prices?
One thing that impresses me about the young people in this country is they care about social issues. I even dedicate the book to the "millennials." People have got to become more responsible, and be aware of what's going on in our country. But you know how I think we can really solve this? Get rid of our tax structure. That's what's killing our people: the income, state, capital gains, corporate, property and social security taxes. It's not right, and it's not the way it was intended in the beginning from our founding fathers. Implement a Fair Tax where we tax consumption.
In your book, when you discuss September 11, you talk about it as a renewal of the war on terror, rather than the beginning.
I think you can learn from history. When I started reading, I got interested in the Barbary Wars, when extreme Muslim pirates were capturing our ships and holding them for ransom. Congress decided to negotiate with the Barbary pirates, and Tripoli started a war with us anyway. It was interesting reading about this situation where we dealt with extremists 200 years ago, and thinking about where we are now.
You're of the opinion that the original meaning of "separation between church and state" has been distorted.
Separation of church and state didn't mean we should take religion out of government. Thomas Jefferson said we will never have a single religion monopolizing our government. Unfortunately, people are re-interpreting the Constitution as a living document, and it's not. It's a solid-based document and it shouldn't be played with.
And you'd like to return to teaching the Bible in public schools?
As an option. I'm not trying to cram it down people's throats. Give people an option, a choice, of what they want to do. We teach evolution in school. Why can't we give kids an alternative choice of a Bible curriculum and let them make up their own mind?
In your book, you call Jimmy Carter's decision to approach Hamas a "treasonous gesture" and oppose all negotiations with extremists.
[Terrorists'] ideology is for the extermination of our country. No amount of negotiating is going to change that ideology. So how can you sit down with someone whose only goal in life is to exterminate you?
You also talk about how a preemptive attack can be the most effective military tactic. Would you advocate a strike against a country like Iran?
No, no, no. What kept Russia away from us was our strength. We just have to become a strong country that no one wants to fool with. I'm afraid we don't have the strength we had during the Reagan days. Back then no one wanted to mess with us. We diminished that strength through the Clinton days. We've got to get that strength back, where everyone says, "Don't mess with America, man." It's like [being] a martial artist. You walk down the street and it's like, "Don't mess with him, man. He'll kick your head off."
You mentioned there are certain points on which you're critical of President Bush. Is one of them this reduction of our military's strength?
Yeah, but again, I don't know whether to blame him or to blame Congress. I really think that between the two, Congress has the power. We've got to get these people working together. I'm not talking as a Democrat or Republican here because I think they're both to blame. I think when the Republicans had control of Congress they drove it into the ground; over the last two years, when the Democrats gained control, they drove it deeper into the ground.
During the Republican primaries you were an outspoken backer of Mike Huckabee. How are you feeling about the GOP ticket at the close of its convention?
I had some trepidation until I heard Sarah Palin talk. I was very impressed by that lady, and I was impressed by McCain's [acceptance speech]. What he talked about was taking the control out of government and giving it back to the people. That's what my book is about. I feel like right now we're wards of the state. Congress says we'll give you this, but you're not going to have that. That's not for them to decide.
As someone who speaks in his book about the dissolution of the American family and the problem of teen pregnancy, how do you feel about the controversy surrounding Palin's own family?
That's a personal thing. It happens to millions of young kids today. That's because of our open society, where sex is not a big thing: "If it feels good, do it." These young kids take that to heart and wind up making a big mistake, just like Bristol did. But you cannot condemn her. It's a mistake she's going to have to live with, but that has nothing to do with Sarah Palin and her abilities as a leader.
How did the Chuck Norris facts start?
About three years ago, a kid from Brown University started sending these Chuck Norris facts around via e-mail. I'm reading them and going, hey, these are pretty doggone funny. My favorite was, "They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mt. Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard." [Laughs.] I figured they'd just last a couple weeks; it amazes me this has gone on for so long. All of a sudden the college crowd picked up on it, and it became a phenomenon, going through colleges, high schools, then middle schools. I started getting emailed facts from Africa. The military in Iraq and Afghanistan started developing their own Chuck Norris facts. That's actually how I got to Iraq in the first place — the troops started bugging their commanders. I went to camps way out in the middle of nowhere and shook hands and took pictures with over 17,000 troops. I'd go to an outdoor toilet and there are Chuck Norris facts on the walls. When I arrived in Iraq, I saw a sign that said, "Chuck Norris is here. We can now go home." Man, I wished that was the truth
by Chuck Norris (10/28/08)
My, how the landscape of elections has changed. Remember when the issue of abortion used to matter to conservatives in political races? Today presidential nominees can get away with murder, literally. They can smoke, toke and hang out with terrorists who …
Obama's Personality Pendulum
by Chuck Norris (10/21/08)
Obama will not lose his bid for the presidency because of his connections to Ayers, ACORN or socialist politics. In fact, he won't lose it because of his stand on any issue. The coup de grace for Obama's presidential election downfall will come only …
God Gets Boot Again From Washington
by Chuck Norris (10/15/08)
Flying under the radar and literally under the ground of congressional bailout meetings were closet Capitol Hill discussions about God and Washington. It seems another revision of America's religious history has been under way -- this time at the $621 …
Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris swam through land
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The facts typically claim that Chuck Norris is some type of irate, all-powerful superbeing. The Chuck Norris facts have spread around the world, leading not only to translated versions, but also spawning localized versions mentioning country-specific advertisements and other Internet phenomena. Allusions are also sometimes made to his use of roundhouse kicks to perform seemingly any task, his large amount of body hair with specific regard to his beard, and his role in the action television series Walker, Texas Ranger.
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Background
* 2 Norris's response
* 3 Prominent mentions
* 4 Spin-off jokes
* 5 References
* 6 External links
Background
Chuck Norris Facts originally started appearing on the Internet in early 2005. Conan O'Brien's Chuck Norris jokes on Late Night with Conan O'Brien (which generally center on Walker, Texas Ranger) have been seen as an inspiration for the fad. Chuck Norris Facts followed facts based on actors Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and Bob Saget. The exaggerated style of these facts is similar to a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch called Bill Brasky. These are similar to tall tales such as those of Paul Bunyan. Chuck Norris Facts surged into the gaming community shortly after a Chuck Norris Fact generator was introduced as a World of Warcraft add-on in early 2006[1].
Norris's response
Chuck Norris responded to the Chuck Norris Facts on his official website, chucknorris.com, with a statement. He was generally surprised and flattered by the attention. Admitting some of the statements were indeed humorous, he tries not to take any of them seriously, and he hopes that such statements will interest people in real facts about Chuck Norris contained in his literary works. [2] On October 23, 2006, Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
One of the satirical facts made of Norris states that "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." Upon hearing this, Chuck replied:
“ It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.
By the way, without Him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things—and so can you.[3]
”
Norris appeared in a 2007 commercial for Mountain Dew where he had his revenge on the two fictional webmasters of a popular site that featured Norris in a humorous light, undoubtedly a reference to the Chuck Norris Facts meme.[4]
On November 29, 2007, Gotham Books, the adult division of Penguin USA, released a book entitled The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the World's Greatest Human.[5] Norris subsequently filed suit in December against Penguin USA claiming "trademark infringement, unjust enrichment and privacy rights."[6]
Prominent mentions
* Norris has appeared on The Tony Danza Show and The Best Damn Sports Show Period, and has been questioned regarding the satirical facts. In the latter show, he read up the current Top 10 facts, as well as mentioning his favorite one was "They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard".
* Rolling Stone magazine featured a short blurb regarding the facts.
* In the March 20, 2006 issue, TIME magazine interviewed Chuck Norris, calling him an "online cult hero." In the answer to their last question, he called the Chuck Norris Facts "weird but wildly popular sayings" and quoted one: "Chuck Norris can divide by zero."[7]
* On an episode of The Daily Show in a parody of Alaskan senator Ted Stevens' comments about the Internet being a "Series of tubes," John Hodgman stated that beneath every American home there were indeed a series of tubes and they could be used to send various pieces of information, mainly Chuck Norris Facts.
* On "Boys Do Cry," a 2007 episode of Family Guy, Peter Griffin mentions a Chuck Norris Fact that, when challenged by Brian, turns out to be true when Chuck Norris suddenly appears and punches him with a fist concealed under his beard.
* Chuck Norris plays a prominent role in the internet meme "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny."
* One of GaiaOnline's February 2006 'monthly collectibles' is presumably named after Chuck Norris. The Item itself has an allusive name (Chyaku Norisu) and its description resembles one of the Facts: "There are only two things in the world that can cut diamonds ... other diamonds and CHYAKU NORISU!!"
* Several Facebook applications exist which generate Chuck Norris Facts for visitors to read.[8]
* Famed Internet writer and author Maddox dedicated an entire chapter of his bestseller The Alphabet of Manliness to Chuck Norris facts.
* Governor Mike Huckabee, as a 2008 Republican Presidential Candidate, made a campaign video with Chuck Norris called HuckChuckFacts[9]. In it, he tells Chuck Norris facts, while Norris responds with endorsements of Huckabee. Rival Republican candidate Mitt Romney responded with a Chuck Norris Fact-themed advertisement of his own.[10]
Spin-off jokes
Due to the popularity of Chuck Norris facts, and in order to keep this style of jokes fresh, other celebrities have become the target of similar jokes, such as Linux kernel hacker and creator Linus Torvalds,[11] actor Vin Diesel,[12] Kevin Federline,[13] Ron Paul,[14] Mr. T,[15] Indianapolis Colts safety Bob Sanders,[16] Bruce Schneier,[17] Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow,[18] professional Magic: The Gathering player Jon Finkel,[19] Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels,[20] Cambridge astrophysicist Dave Green,[21] actor Bruce Campbell,[22] Bill Nye[23], Olympics swimming champion Michael Phelps[24], vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin[25] and various other persons.
These jokes have also been extended to fictional characters, such as the television series 24 character Jack Bauer,[26] the Star Wars character Kyle Katarn,[27] Batman,[28] Captain Falcon[29] from the F-Zero games, Albus Dumbledore,[30] and High Overlord Saurfang from World of Warcraft[31] and Yoda.
Bob Saget facts are in fact the opposite of the Chuck Norris facts, pointing out Saget's sensitivity. For example, "every night, the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris; but then Bob Saget comes in, gives the boogeyman warm milk and quietly reads him a bedtime story."
On the DVD re-issue of Road House, Kevin Smith's commentary track gives several Chuck Norris facts retitled to reference Patrick Swayze's character Dalton.
If you Google "Find Chuck Norris" and click "I'm Feeling Lucky", you will be taken to nochucknorris.com, which is a website that looks like a Google search results page telling you "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you." It also gives you the suggestions of "Run before he finds you" and "Try a different person".[32]
References
1. ^ Curse Gaming - the original add-on can be found at http://wow.curse.com/downloads/details/2242/
2. ^ Chuck Norris. "In response to the "Random facts" that are being generated on the Internet". Retrieved on 2004-12-04.
3. ^ "On Chuck Norris 'mania' sweeping the Net", WorldNetDaily (2006-10-23).
4. ^ Miller, Liz. "Chuck Norris Gets His Vengeance". The Daily Reel. Retrieved on 2007-04-09.
5. ^ Ian Spector [2007-11-29]. The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. Gotham. ISBN 978-1592403448.
6. ^ Kearney, Christine (2007-12-21). "Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure". Reuters. Retrieved on 2007-12-23.
7. ^ Keegan, Rebecca Winters (2006-03-20). "People", Time. Retrieved on 2006-06-20.
8. ^ Facebook Search for 'Chuck Norris' Accessed February 03, 2008
9. ^ "HuckChuckFacts". Retrieved on 2007-11-19.
10. ^ "Roundhouse Kick". Retrieved on 2008-01-03.
11. ^ "Linus Torvalds Facts".
12. ^ "Vin Diesel Facts Page".
13. ^ MuddButt.com
14. ^ Ron Paul Facts - The Beginning
15. ^ 4Q.cc >> Top 100 Facts for Mr. T
16. ^ Bob Sanders facts - Unofficial Indianapolis Colts Fan Forums
17. ^ "Schneier Facts". Retrieved on 2007-07-11.
18. ^ Tim Tebow Facts
19. ^ "Jon Finkel Facts".
20. ^ Cole Hamels Facts dot com
21. ^ "Dave Green Facts". Retrieved on 2008-02-04.
22. ^ ~*~ Bruce Campbell Facts ~*~
23. ^ Bill Nye is the chuck norris of the Science World
24. ^ http://michaelphelpsfacts.com/Welcome.html
25. ^ Sarah Palin Facts
26. ^ "Facts on Jack Bauer".
27. ^ "Kyle Katarn Is So Tough".
28. ^ Random Batman Fact
29. ^ Captain Falcon Facts
30. ^ Mugglecast#Segments
31. ^ Saurfang facts - WoWWiki - Your guide to the World of Warcraft
32. ^ Google search results "Find Chuck Norris"
External links
* Chuck Norris Facts
* More Chuck Norris Facts
* Random fact generator
* Chuck Norris' official response
* A Washington Post article on Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris Jokes Blog
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chuck Norris.
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Early Life
* 2 Rise to Fame
* 3 Fame
* 4 A Washed-Up Superstar
* 5 Life as a Meme
* 6 The Legend
Early Life
Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.
Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.
Chuck was born of 18-year-old Wilma Scarberry (knocked up by Ray Norris) in a relatively uneventful birth. Various rumors credit God or Jack Bauer as the actual birther of Chuck Norris, but these obviously erroneous claims have been proven incorrect by Conservapedia and basic science, respectively. In fact, Chuck Norris' birth was so mundane that his father, in an attempt to "spice it up," inebriated the obstetrician delivering him. When later asked about the questionable responsibility of this act, he belched.
This was the sort of life that Carlos endured for his first ten years. Living a completely ordinary life, the neglect of his often-working father led him to take up martial arts. At once unnotable at that, he relocated to some random town in Kansas to "kick the shit out of some skeet." A bizarre goal indeed, his parents sent him for psychiatric help immediately. This monetary drain created strain for the family of five (brothers Weiland and Aaron had since been born), eventually leading to the unhappy divorce of Chuck's parents.
This change seriously damaged Chuck's psyche. His academic ability severely declined, and never recovered at all. Ever. So, in what can only be described as an unwise decision, his family once again relocated, this time to California. Later in life, he described his ecstasy at this as the "culmination of [his] desire to kick the shit out of something that wasn't skeet." He also discontinued his weekly psychiatric visits, and threw himself into his martial arts. He continued his education concurrently, and eventually managed to graduate high school (bottom of his class).
He cheated on the United States Air Force (USAF) psychological profile and became an Air Policeman in 1958. Predictably, his desire to join the USAF was related to kicking the shit out of things. Here, he began excelling in martial arts, and eventually earned a black belt in Tang Soo Do (which, contrary to popular belief, does not involve the similarly named orange beverage), and garnered the nickname Chuck for the first time. Obviously, this name stuck, and it is argued that it is what made him famous.
Rise to Fame
Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.
Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.
Returning to California, Norris decided to try his hand at becoming famous. It didn't work, and after five rejections from fringe talent agencies, he gave up. He also lost his one memento from his childhood, a plastic tangerine named Apricot. One of the letters is reprinted here:
Chuck Norris
Dear Mr. Norris,
We regret to inform you that your lackluster screen test with us has predictably yielded no result. While your ability to knock things over with considerable ease was noted, the only other thing notable about you is your Hispanic name when you are so obviously not Hispanic. Thank you for trying out for us, and enclosed you will find a bill for the damages incurred by your martial arts display.
Cordially,
J & M Talent Management
Chuck Norris
Sinking once again into a depressed rage, Norris also needed money to pay back J & M for their possessions that he had broken. He entered into karate tournaments in an attempt to garner income, and to find the person who had stolen his childhood memento. This, too, proved to be a fruitless endeavor, as he promptly lost the first two tournaments. His little known second job as a karaoke singer proved to be far more lucrative for a couple of years, while his one-time gig as a geisha turned out to be too much for him to handle.
However, very soon he turned this misfortune on its head, winning several karate tournaments consecutively, and finally avenging Apricot by killing the thief. After this, he briefly held the nickname "Apricot Avenger." He also avenged those who had beaten him in previous tournaments, an achievement that made him very cocky. This attitude led him to create his own form of martial arts called Chun Kuk Do. This form, which is deceptively similar to every other form of martial artistry ever created, became something of a fad in 1970s Hollywood. It was teaching Steve McQueen's son this most precious of art forms, in fact, that attracted him to acting once again.
Oh God! Please, get that thing away!
Oh God! Please, get that thing away!
Fame
He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Films, a studio specializing in the production of B action movies. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pummeled). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies, including the movie version of the Great American Novel.
However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were essentially the same. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking random barfights for money, Norris seemed to have hit rock bottom. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would change his life.
That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered show followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake Southern motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2, Missing in Action 3, and Missing in Action: The Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons.
A Washed-Up Superstar
But every good thing must come to an end. It logically follows that anything of subpar quality also must come to an end, a fact which led to Walker, Texas Ranger's cancellation. Though it can still be seen many many times every day in syndication on channels with little to no original or good programming, it has largely disappeared from the vogue.
This fact greatly dismayed Norris, though he did not sink into drink, self-pity, and hot money after this failure. Instead, he began wallowing in excess, developing yet more stupid mantras to live by, and spending the bottomless money that he had garnered along his career. These self-serving actions meant that he fell out of the vogue for a time, but this time was a short-lived oasis before an apocalyptic happening that would change the world forever.
In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it.
In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it.
Life as a Meme
On an indeterminate date at an indeterminate time sometime in the 21st Century (most speculate it to be around 2005), Chuck Norris sunk to the most horrible depth to which a person can sink: he became an internet meme. The controversy started when, in 2004, Conan O'Brien introduced a bizarre and random segment known as the "Chuck Norris Lever," in which he would pull a lever and Chuck Norris came out to beat up a random audience member. Chuck soon got tired of this, however, and when he was called up he instead knocked out Conan himself.
Conan — whose reputation as a barbarian warrior was previously unsurpassed — and his fanbase alike were incredulous at this development. However, nothing more came out of it until Chuck's fanboys, long looking for a way to erroneously catapult their god to stardom once more, posted "Chuck Norris Facts". This name was, as one might expect, a misnomer, as the "facts" listed on this website were little more than pipe dreams. An example of a "fact" in this vein – "guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People" – demonstrate both a lack of education (note the poor grammar abound in this sentence) and a lack of reality. (Everybody knows that people kill people, it's just common sense!)
Unfortunately, most people's minds were not as clear as this, and they loved these "facts". As the title of this section perhaps gives away, it became an internet meme, meaning that it became nearly impossible to go through a day of life without hearing a Chuck Norris fact. The sensation spread like wildfire, with everyone wanting to get a piece of the action. This led to more and more unfunny people tossing their "jokes" into the proverbial hat. This resulted in such knee-slappers as "Chuck Norris is my Homeboy", " Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls", and "Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down".
The Legend
When one thinks of Chuck Norris, one immediately thinks "action movie star" (recalling his numerous feature films), "tedious internet meme" (recalling the previously covered tedious Internet meme) and television star, (recalling, unfortunately, "Walker, Texas Ranger"). However, unfortunately, and to the chagrin of countless people who truly need a sense of humor and/or a life, this is all he is. A celebrity like any other. He is unremarkable in most ways that one can imagine, and this is fine. It is indubitable that he would wish it any other way.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
* 2000s
* 1990s
* 1980s
* 1970s
* 1960s
1. The Cutter (2005) .... John Shepherd
2. Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire (2005) (TV) .... Capt. Ranger Cordell Walker
3. Bells of Innocence (2003) .... Matthew
4. The President's Man: A Line in the Sand (2002) (TV) .... Joshua McCord
5. "Walker, Texas Ranger" .... Cordell 'Cord' Walker / ... (196 episodes, 1993-2001)
... aka Walker (Australia)
- The Final Showdown: Part 1 (2001) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
- The Final Showdown: Part 2 (2001) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
- Blood Diamonds (2001) TV episode .... Cordell "Cord" Walker
- Reel Rangers (2001) TV episode .... Cordell "Cord" Walker
- Unsafe Speed (2001) TV episode .... Cordell 'Cord' Walker
(191 more)
6. The President's Man (2000) (TV) .... Joshua McCord
7. "Martial Law" .... Ranger Cordell Walker (1 episode, 2000)
- Honor Among Strangers (2000) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
8. "Sons of Thunder" .... Ranger Cordell Walker (4 episodes, 1999)
- Thunder by Your Side (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
- Lost & Found (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
- Fighting Back (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
- Moment of Truth (1999) TV episode .... Ranger Cordell Walker
9. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) .... Jake Fallon
10. Forest Warrior (1996) .... McKenna
11. Top Dog (1995) .... Jake Wilder
12. Hellbound (1994) .... Frank Shatter
13. Walker Texas Ranger 3: Deadly Reunion (1994) .... Ranger Cordell Walker
14. Wind in the Wire (1993) (TV)
15. Sidekicks (1992) .... Chuck Norris
16. The Hitman (1991) .... Cliff Garret/Danny Grogan
17. Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990) .... Col. Scott McCoy
... aka Delta Force 2 (USA: short title)
... aka Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold
18. Hero and the Terror (1988) .... Danny O'Brien
19. Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988) .... Col. James Braddock
20. Firewalker (1986) .... Max Donigan
21. The Delta Force (1986) .... Maj. Scott McCoy
... aka Mahatz Ha-Delta (Israel: Hebrew title)
22. Invasion U.S.A. (1985) .... Matt Hunter
... aka Invasion USA (UK)
23. Code of Silence (1985) .... Eddie Cusack
24. Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985) .... Colonel James Braddock
... aka Battle Rage (Australia)
25. Missing in Action (1984) .... Col. James Braddock
26. Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) .... J.J. McQuade
... aka A Man Without Fear (Philippines: English title)
27. Forced Vengeance (1982) .... Josh Randall
28. Silent Rage (1982) .... Sheriff Dan Stevens
29. An Eye for an Eye (1981) .... Sean Kane
30. The Octagon (1980) .... Scott James
... aka The Man Without Mercy (Philippines: English title)
31. A Force of One (1979) .... Matt Logan
32. Good Guys Wear Black (1978) .... John T. Booker
33. Breaker! Breaker! (1977) .... John David 'J.D.' Dawes
... aka Breaker, Breaker
... aka Cindy Jo & the Texas Turnaround
34. Slaughter in San Francisco (1974) .... Chuck Slaughter/Chuck Norris
... aka Chuck Norris vs. the Karate Cop
... aka Huang mian lao hu
... aka Karate Cop
... aka Yellow Faced Tiger
35. The Student Teachers (1973) .... Karate Instructor
... aka College Coeds (USA)
36. Meng long guo jiang (1972) .... Colt
... aka Fury of the Dragon (Europe: English title)
... aka Maang lung goh kong (Hong Kong: Cantonese title)
... aka Return of the Dragon (USA)
... aka Revenge of the Dragon (USA: cable TV title)
... aka The Way of the Dragon (Hong Kong: English title)
37. The Wrecking Crew (1969) (uncredited) .... Man in the House of 7 Joys
Writer:
* 2000s
* 1990s
* 1980s
1. "Walker, Texas Ranger" (5 episodes, 1997-2001)
... aka Walker (Australia)
- Justice for All (2001) TV episode (writer)
- Golden Boy (2001) TV episode (writer)
- Lucas: Part 2 (1997) TV episode (writer)
- Lucas: Part 1 (1997) TV episode (writer)
- Sons of Thunder (1997) TV episode (writer)
2. "Sons of Thunder" (1999) TV series (unknown episodes)
3. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) (story)
4. Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988) (writer)
5. Invasion U.S.A. (1985) (screenplay)
... aka Invasion USA (UK)
Producer:
* 2000s
* 1990s
1. Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire (2005) (TV) (executive producer)
2. Birdie and Bogey (2004) (executive producer)
3. The President's Man: A Line in the Sand (2002) (TV) (executive producer)
4. The President's Man (2000) (TV) (executive producer)
5. "Sons of Thunder" (1999) TV series (executive producer) (unknown episodes, 1999)
6. Logan's War: Bound by Honor (1998) (TV) (executive producer)
7. "Walker, Texas Ranger" (1993) TV series (executive producer) (unknown episodes, 1995-2001)
... aka Walker (Australia)
8. Sidekicks (1992) (executive producer)
Miscellaneous Crew:
* 1980s
* 1970s
1. The Octagon (1980) (fight choreographer)
... aka The Man Without Mercy (Philippines: English title)
2. A Force of One (1979) (fight choreographer)
3. Good Guys Wear Black (1978) (martial arts choreographer)
4. Breaker! Breaker! (1977) (fight choreographer)
... aka Breaker, Breaker
... aka Cindy Jo & the Texas Turnaround
Self:
* 2000s
* 1990s
* 1980s
* 1970s
1. "Larry King Live" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008)
- Chuck Norris Gets Political (2008) TV episode .... Himself
2. "Glenn Beck" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008)
- Episode dated 6 February 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself
3. "The Live Desk" .... Himself (1 episode, 2008)
- Episode dated 6 February 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself
4. "The O'Reilly Factor" .... Himself (1 episode, 2007)
- Episode dated 14 December 2007 (2007) TV episode .... Himself
5. "The Tony Danza Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 2006)
- Episode #2.79 (2006) TV episode .... Himself
6. "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" .... Himself (1 episode, 2006)
- Episode dated 9 January 2006 (2006) TV episode .... Himself
7. "The Contender" .... Himself (2 episodes, 2005)
- Tears of Pain and Sorrow (2005) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself
- Random Acts of Courage (2005) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself
8. "On the Record w/ Greta Van Susteren" .... Himself (1 episode, 2004)
- Episode dated 23 September 2004 (2004) TV episode .... Himself
9. "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" .... Himself (1 episode, 2004)
... aka Late Night with Conan O'Brien (Australia)
- Episode dated 9 September 2004 (2004) TV episode (uncredited) .... Himself
10. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) .... Himself
... aka Dodgeball (USA: short title)
... aka Voll auf die Nüsse (Germany)
11. UFC 46: Supernatural (2004) (TV) .... Himself
12. "Yes, Dear" .... Himself (1 episode, 2003)
- Jimmy and Chuck (2003) TV episode .... Himself
13. 2001 ABC World Stunt Awards (2001) (TV) .... Himself
14. "CBS Cares" .... Himself (1 episode, 2001)
- Episode dated 1 January 2001 (2001) TV episode .... Himself
15. "Howard Stern" .... Himself (5 episodes, 1994-1999)
- Episode dated 16 November 1999 (1999) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 11 May 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 14 March 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 13 March 1995 (1995) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 5 December 1994 (1994) TV episode .... Himself
16. "The Howard Stern Radio Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1999)
- Episode dated 13 November 1999 (1999) TV episode .... Himself
17. "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" .... Himself (2 episodes, 1996-1998)
- Episode dated 28 October 1998 (1998) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 2 September 1996 (1996) TV episode .... Himself
18. The Path of the Dragon (1998) (V) .... Himself
19. Mystic Origins of the Martial Arts (1998) (V) .... Himself
... aka The Martial Arts (USA)
20. Chuck Norris: Private Lesson (1997) (V) .... Instructor
21. Walker: Behind the Scenes with TV's Toughest Cop (1996) (TV) .... Himself
22. Survivor Series (1994) (TV) .... Himself
... aka WWF Survivor Series (USA: promotional title)
23. WWE: Undertaker - He Buries Them Alive (1994) (V) .... Himself
24. "The Howard Stern Interview" .... Himself (1 episode, 1993)
... aka The Howard Stern 'Interview' (USA: promotional title)
- Episode #1.8 (1993) TV episode .... Himself
25. Curse of the Dragon (1993) .... Himself
... aka Bruce Lee: Curse of the Dragon
26. "De tú a tú" (1 episode, 1992)
- Episode dated 26 March 1992 (1992) TV episode
27. Dying for a Smoke (1992) (V) .... Himself
28. "The Howard Stern Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1991)
... aka The Howard Stern Summer Show (USA: promotional title)
- Episode dated 2 November 1991 (1991) TV episode .... Himself
29. WrestleMania VII (1991) (V) (uncredited) .... Himself
30. Steve McQueen: Man on the Edge (1990) (V) .... Himself
31. Clint, 'The Rookie' & Me (1990) (TV) .... Himself
32. Happy Birthday, Bugs!: 50 Looney Years (1990) (TV) .... Himself
33. One for the Road (1989) (TV) .... Himself
34. The Ultimate Stuntman: A Tribute to Dar Robinson (1987) (TV) .... Himself/Host
35. Omnibus: The Last Moguls (1986) .... Himself
36. "Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos" (1986) TV series .... Himself (unknown episodes)
37. The Making of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' (1983) (TV) .... Himself
38. The Warrior Within (1976) .... Himself
... aka Chuck Norris Work Out (Europe: English title)
39. "The Flip Wilson Show" .... Himself (1 episode, 1973)
- Episode #4.13 (1973) TV episode .... Himself
40. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" .... Himself (1 episode, 1973)
... aka The Best of Carson (USA: rerun title)
- Episode dated 5 July 1973 (1973) TV episode .... Himself
41. Life and Legend of Bruce Lee (1973) (uncredited) .... Himself
... aka Bruce Lee: The Man and the Legend (USA)
42. "Room 222" .... Himself (1 episode, 1970)
- Dreams of Glory (1970) TV episode .... Himself
Archive Footage:
1. "The O'Reilly Factor"
- Episode dated 15 September 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 7 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself
- Episode dated 5 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself - Huckabee supporter
- Episode dated 4 January 2008 (2008) TV episode .... Himself
2. The Unbeatable Bruce Lee (2001) (V) .... Himself
3. Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey (2000) (V)
4. Bruce Lee and Kung Fu Mania (1992)
5. Cathode Fuck (1986) (V) .... Himself, Guest on 'The Phil Donahue Show'
6. Game of Death (1978) .... Colt
7. Bruce Lee, the Legend (1977) (uncredited) .... Himself
8. Kung Fu Killers (1974) (TV)
* Чак Норис использует для убийств огнестрельное оружие в тех случаях, если ему надоедает убивать ударом ноги с разворота. Удар ногой, в свою очередь, был придуман Чаком Норисом после того, как ему надоело убивать людей силой мысли.
* Писать имя чака нориса с маленькой буквы - очень смело, то что я еще жив и могу дописать эти строки можно обьяснить нежеланием чака нориса пользоваться интернетом - он использует более жестокие способы получения информации.
* Чак настолько крут, что когда снимает кимоно, оно еще 15 раз выполняет удар ногой с разворота.По инерции
* Чак Норрис настолько крут, что у него не отсасывают, а откачивают
* Чак Норрис не смотрит на часы, это часы смотрят на Чака Норриса
* Когда Чак Норрис заходит в воду, он не намокает - это вода очакноррисовывается.
* Чак Норрис ходит в баню с целым дубом вместо веника
* На центральный сервер матрицы регулярно приходят сообщения:
'Wake up, matrix, Chak Noris has you'
* У некоторых людей одно яйцо больше другого, а у Чака Норриса оба яйца больше друг друга.
* Не людей пытаются отключить от Матрицы, а Матрицу от Чака Норриса.
* У Чака Норриса столько порно, что он не качает его из интернета, а закачивает в интернет.
* Из-за своей суровости именно Чак Норрис считается основателем Челябинска, города самых суровых мужиков мира
* Чак Норрис оставил Фаберже без яиц.
* В детстве Чак Норрис играл чугунными погремушками.
* Также в детстве Чак умертвил 20 000 кукушек вопросом "Кукушка-кукушка, сколько мне лет жить осталось?"
* Вопрос: Сколько нужно Чаков Норрисов, чтобы заменить лампочку?
Ответ: Нисколько, Чак Норрис предпочитает убивать в темноте.
* В первой части Парка Юрского Периода, тиранозавр преследовал не джип. Это Чак Норрис преследовал и тиранозавра, и джип.
* Если бы Чак Норрис был календарем, каждый месяц назывался бы Чактобрем.
* Чак Норрис настолько суров, что способен сжать 1 бит.
* За каждым успешным мужчиной стоит женщина. За каждым мертвым мужчиной стоит Чак Норрис.
* Идут нескончаемые дебаты о том, существует ли у человека душа. На самом деле, она существует, и Чак Норрис считает её очень вкусной.
* Обувь в основном предназначена для ходьбы. Обувь Чака Норриса не настолько милосердна.
* На самом деле США не бойкотировали Олимпийские игры в Москве в 1980 году. Просто Чак Норрис одним ударом ногой с разворота убил всю олимпийскую сборную США во время тренировки по таэквондо.
* Чак Норрис использует живую гремучую змею в качестве презерватива.
* Изначально Библия называлась "Чак Норрис и Его Друзья".
* Google не осуществляет поиск по запросу "Чак Норрис", потому что Google знает: не вы находите Чака Норриса, Чак Норрис находит вас.
* Считается, что динозавры вымерли из-за гигантского метеора. Это так и есть, если вы называете Чака Норриса "гигантским метеором". Просто однажды Чак чихнул, а когда пыль улеглась, оказалось, что динозавры вымерли.
* Чак Норрис не отжимается, Чак Норрис отодвигает Землю с траектории полета гигантского астероида.
* Однажды Чак Норрис решил немного подмести двор. Через семь секунд образовалась пустыня Сахара (к наст. времени почти не сохранилась, остатки вы можете найти на севере Африки).
* За завтраком Чак Норрис скачивает по диалапу и прочитывает Интернет. Весь. Трижды.
* В незапамятные времена (по мнению Чака Норриса - вот буквально только что) между Марсом и Юпитером существовала планета, но Чак Норрис забанил её за спам на неделю (неделю Чака Норриса). Уже прошло 0,8 секунды от времени наказания.
* Чак Норрис спит, когда моргает. Но Чак Норрис никогда не моргает.
* У сигарет зависимость от Чака Норриса.
* Инопланетяне редко приземляются, потому что, как и всякие посланники Ктулху, боятся Чака Норриса. Просто им нужно время-от-времени продлевать разрешение на эксперименты над людьми.
* Только марсиане - а ещё считают себя более развитыми, чем люди, - не верят в существование Норриса. Но пока этот факт заносился в Абсурдопедию, он перестал быть правдой. Ой не завидуем мы марсианам...
* 300 спартанцев не было, была нога Чака Нориса, убивающая 300 человек в секунду.
* Лицо Блэзкоу из игр серии Wolfenstein - это лицо... ну кого же ещё? На протяжении всей игры он мстит немцам за сбритую бороду - это была, как сказал бы Арни, "Большая ошибка" (кстати, Арни - сын Норриса, но это вы узнали не от меня, ясно? Впрочем, Норрис всё-равно уже знает об этом моём проступке. А впрочем, у меня есть лицензия, за которую надо платить ему ой-ой-ой сколько...)
* Чак Норис не здоров как бык, это бык здоров как Чак Норрис.
* Чак Норрис не эмо. Потому что плачет в результате не он.
* Первым кинематографическим произведением, в котором попробовал свои силы Чак Норрис, является автобиографический фильм-притча, снятый по одноименной книге братьев Аркадия и Бориса Гайдаров, - "Chuck & Heck" (рус. "Чак и хрень всякая", в пиратском прокате криворукими пиратами был переведен дословно - "Чук и Гек")
* Чак Норрис - единственный человек, сумевший переиграть в "гляделки" Рэя Чарльза и Стиви Вандера одновремено.
* Чак Норрис получил права, когда ему было 16. Секунд.
* Сначала фильм "Чужой против Хищника" должен был называться "Чужой и Хищник против Чака Норриса", но от этой идеи пришлось отказаться еще во время съемок: никто не стал бы покупать билет на четырнадцатисекундный фильм.
* Пирамида потребностей Маслоу неприменима к Чаку Норрису, потому что у него - всего две потребности: убивать людей, и находить людей, которых можно убить.
* Переходя улицу, Чак Норрис не смотрит сначала налево, а потом направо. Он просто бьёт ногой с разворота машины, оказавшиеся слишком близко.
Чак неоднократно бывал в двухмерном пространстве
Чак неоднократно бывал в двухмерном пространстве
* Если Чак Норрис делит, остатка никогда не бывает.
* Когда Чак Норрис был маленьким, он никогда не писался в постель. Постель сама писалась от страха.
* На жаргоне медиков смерть называется "болезнью Чака Норриса".
* Как сказал Юлий Цезарь: "Вени, Види, Вичи, Чак Норрис," - что в переводе означает: "Пришел, увидел, получил в лицо ногой с разворота от Чака Норриса."
* Первое правило Чака Норриса: никогда не говори о Чаке Норрисе.
* Когда Чак Норрис играет в "Монополию", это сказывается на мировой экономике.
* Чак Норрис всегда спит с подушкой под пистолетом.
* Киноэпизод, в котором Чак Норрис проиграл бой Брюсу Ли - самый дорогой спецэффект в истории киноиндустрии. С учетом инфляции, его стоимость сравнима с ВНП Парагвая.
* Чак Норрис - не ирландец. Его волосы рыжие от присохшей крови его жертв.
* Чак Норрис знает последнюю цифру в числе "пи".
* Чак Норрис раскладывает "Пасьянс" со скоростью света
* Если прочитать имя Чак Норрис наоборот, то получится - Чак Норрис!
* Факты о Чаке Норрисе фактически не являются фактами
* В день смерти Чака Норриса проснётся Ктулху
* Чак Норрис умеет ходить по воде, делить на ноль и угадывать шаффл в АйПоде.
* Если Чак Норрис ходит с ночником, это не значит, что он боится темноты... Это значит, что темнота боится его.
* На самом деле Чак Норрис был четвертым волхвом и подарил Иисусу бороду, которую тот носил до самой смерти. Трое остальных волхвов обиделись на это и вычеркнули всю информацию о Чак Норрисе из Библии. Вскоре все трое погибли от загадочных ранений, связаных с ударом с ноги с разворота.
* У Чак Норриса нет дома дверей, а есть только стены, сквозь которые он проходит.